I sometimes feel quite frustrated with myself. Why are things the way they are, or why am I the way I am.

But then when I spared a bit of thought the other day to think what is it exactly about myself or my situation that I am so frustrated about, I honestly drew a blank.

Sure I know I'm not perfect, and I know that life isn't perfect. If I were to have a worry and trouble free life, there are a number of things I would change about my self and my situation. But that's not the point.

The other day at church, the service ended with an altar call for those who felt they needed prayer. And at this, I honestly once again drew a blank about what I felt I would need prayer for.

I've been prayed for and ministered to countless times. I've answered numerous altar calls for prayer. I've even had times of specific personal ministry.

So then why do I remain so frustrated and heavy-hearted?

The more I thought about it, the more silly it seemed. So what I began to feel is that what I was missing was my own choice to walk in freedom. To walk in the freedom that Christ has paid for. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation.

People can intercede for me and minister to me. They can speak words of encouragement to me. But at the end of the day, if I do not choose to walk in the freedom that Christ provided and power that comes with the Holy Spirit, then I'll remain the way I am.

If you set a captive free, but they continually tell themselves that they are not free, then their lives will not reflect their true freedom. (Though, I'm not saying that one should live in denial of any issues in their life).

Christ has paid so much and we have benefited so much from entering into a relationship with him. Yet if you do not choose to walk in those benefits, to walk and live in the Spirit, then we are still walking in the flesh.

I always think back to Paul's letter to the Galatians, chapter 3:

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh? Have you suffered so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?

Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?— just as Abraham “believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham. And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, preached the gospel to Abraham beforehand, saying, “In you all the nations shall be blessed.” So then those who are of faith are blessed with believing Abraham.

While walking to the MRT station on the way to work the other day, I was listening to In Your Freedom by Hillsong. I've always liked this song for both the music and the lyrics. But somehow it seemed even more true for me at this point in time. There is something about the declaration that the song makes:

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
No other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart

I have nothing more
Than all You offer me
I have nothing else
That's of worth to me

I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all I want
You're all I need

I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released

In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion

So I pray that I will be able to truly learn how to better walk in victory and walk in the Spirit. To walk in freedom. To not feel so defeated all the time such that I can be a better agent for the kingdom of heaven.

I find that it's quite jarring for me to switch from English to Mandarin on the fly, especially when I'm not expecting it. I need some kind of ramp up time in order to start speaking Mandarin a bit more fluently. Not that it's fluent at best, but it's even worse when I'm still "booting-up" so to speak.

I was at Jurong Point today and my aunt was looking to buy a PSP charger. I followed her into a game store and was just looking around casually. One of the staff members approached me and asked something to the effect of, "你找什么？" (what are you looking for?)

Although I understood his question, it had been a while since I've tried to speak in Mandarin, so I was completely caught off guard. After a longer than normal "啊..." (ah....) I somehow forced out a very weak "我在看。。 在看看。。" And by weak, I mean super weak. Nevertheless, he left me alone after that without any further questions. But I'm not sure if it was because he actually understood my response, or if he couldn't understand a single thing I said and just left as confused as I was embarrassed.

I think that I find the same thing happens if I'm speaking in English trying to describe certain things that happened to me that deal with my experiences speaking Mandarin. When I need to repeat a phrase that I said or that was said to me, the transition from the English dialogue to the Mandarin quote always comes out extremely rough.

I've actually almost stopped using my Mandarin all together these past few months. When ordering food, I'll revert to English, except when they don't understand my English (rare?).

The last time that I was forced to use it was on vacation with my family, as one of my cousins' grandparents that came along always speaks Mandarin. So the couple times that I was alone with her trying to get around, I had to cough up some Mandarin in order to communicate.

I'm going to register for another non-credit Mandarin course back home this coming fall. I think I've improved a bit over these months in Singapore. But I'm on the verge of losing any progress I've made just due to lack of constant exposure.

Case in point, Hong Kong was a really neat experience interacting with the Hong Kong friends we made there. Since then, I've had very few full exchanges in Mandarin with people.

But it's been a while since I've been dropped into such an environment where it's sometimes necessary to use Mandarin.

I only have about two months left.

I'll be a bit sad to leave. But there somehow seems like I have a lot to sort out. Like I'm not ready to leave yet.

Coldplay - Yes

我不懂. 有時候生活太亂. 我很希望生活會好簡單. 特別關於關係. 我在新加坡當然認識很多友好的人. 在加拿大我有一個朋友名字叫Joses. 他總是問我如果最近認不認識好可愛的女孩子. 我跟他好久沒談說. 但,如果他在問我那個問題我現在真的不知道說什麼話好. 就是因為我最近認識一些友好的女孩子. 我非常想對每一個這些人有什麼關係. 這是特別亂因為我別的朋友,Jesse,最近告訴我一點說話讓我真的不知道該做什麼 (也關於一個女孩子). 所以我最近很亂了.

Hmm... 我知道很多朋友們看不懂我的中文blog posts. 特別因為我非常用這些繁體字. 那就好了. 我現在不知道對誰可以說這樣的話. 因為我覺得這是太傻瓜的話. 這是因為我每天對自己要說:"哎呀... 別亂說啦. 你就瘋了嗎?!"

哈哈... 哎... 回來加拿大怎麼辦? 可是我知道我不要離開新加坡如這樣的.

Just returned from a three-day vacation with my extended family in Singapore. We went on a cruise to Penang and Phuket.

A bit of a different experience taking pictures with the G1 as opposed to a compact point-and-shoot. While many SLR purists may consider the G1 a point-and-shoot, it's really something different. A four-thirds sensor inside a mirror-less body. Looks and sounds like a Digital Single Lens Reflex camera, but lacks the reflex part.

I found it a greater challenge to compose shots, coming up from a compact point-and-shoot. Part of the reason might be that I'm not used to having to hold the camera up to my face to use the view finder (though technically, the G1 has live-view, so I can use the LCD to frame as well). Also, I think the wealth of settings and flexibility available with the camera also has me preoccupied a bit with what settings I can change, and how to access them. My point-and-shoot does have full PASM modes, but uses a touchscreen to manipulate settings, rather than buttons and wheels.

Nevertheless, click the "read more" link below to see a handful of the photos that I ended up with after the trip. Some notes/comments can be found below each photo.

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