I sometimes feel quite frustrated with myself. Why are things the way they are, or why am I the way I am.

But then when I spared a bit of thought the other day to think what is it exactly about myself or my situation that I am so frustrated about, I honestly drew a blank.

Sure I know I'm not perfect, and I know that life isn't perfect. If I were to have a worry and trouble free life, there are a number of things I would change about my self and my situation. But that's not the point.

The other day at church, the service ended with an altar call for those who felt they needed prayer. And at this, I honestly once again drew a blank about what I felt I would need prayer for.

I've been prayed for and ministered to countless times. I've answered numerous altar calls for prayer. I've even had times of specific personal ministry.

So then why do I remain so frustrated and heavy-hearted?

The more I thought about it, the more silly it seemed. So what I began to feel is that what I was missing was my own choice to walk in freedom. To walk in the freedom that Christ has paid for. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation.

People can intercede for me and minister to me. They can speak words of encouragement to me. But at the end of the day, if I do not choose to walk in the freedom that Christ provided and power that comes with the Holy Spirit, then I'll remain the way I am.

If you set a captive free, but they continually tell themselves that they are not free, then their lives will not reflect their true freedom. (Though, I'm not saying that one should live in denial of any issues in their life).

Christ has paid so much and we have benefited so much from entering into a relationship with him. Yet if you do not choose to walk in those benefits, to walk and live in the Spirit, then we are still walking in the flesh.

I always think back to Paul's letter to the Galatians, chapter 3:

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh? Have you suffered so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?

Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?— just as Abraham “believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham. And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, preached the gospel to Abraham beforehand, saying, “In you all the nations shall be blessed.” So then those who are of faith are blessed with believing Abraham.

While walking to the MRT station on the way to work the other day, I was listening to In Your Freedom by Hillsong. I've always liked this song for both the music and the lyrics. But somehow it seemed even more true for me at this point in time. There is something about the declaration that the song makes:

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
No other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart

I have nothing more
Than all You offer me
I have nothing else
That's of worth to me

I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all I want
You're all I need

I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released

In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion

So I pray that I will be able to truly learn how to better walk in victory and walk in the Spirit. To walk in freedom. To not feel so defeated all the time such that I can be a better agent for the kingdom of heaven.