Wrote this earlier while on the bus... thought I should post it despite maybe the way I've been feeling lately.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Here I sit on a GO Bus, heading east towards Mississauga. Having just come from CCF, my thoughts still linger a bit on the Bible study. Perhaps not exactly what the actual study was about, but my thoughts have recently been concerned with knowing God. It sounds like such a simple thing, in some ways. We always sing it. We always pray it. God we want to know you.
Recently I've been trying to read some of the old testament. And in the Bible study at CCF today, the name David came up in the passage. And of course, the ever quoted phrase was also brought up: "a man after God's own heart."
But what exactly does this mean? And why was David such a great king? Take it a step further, and I wonder, what exactly is it about some of the old testament characters that had them find so much favour or so much peace in their God?
After finishing the book of Joshua, I had began reading the book of 1 Samuel this week. And I read a couple more chapters on the bus just now. And it came to Hannah's song. And reading her song, the thought that crossed my mind was: she knew God. She knew God's heart. And this made me think. You know, all these old testament characters that had so much faith, or did great things for God, or who really walked in the favour of God, the thing they all had in common was they more or less understood God's heart.
In reading Hannah's song, what really struck me was the theme of God's paradoxical nature. For example, note 1 Sam 2:5, "Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn."
This kind of backwards contradiction is one of the themes in some of Jesus' teachings hundreds of years later in the new testament. Yet, what struck me is that out of the song of Hannah's heart, she seemed to understand this kind of paradox. She seemed to understand the Kingdom.
Take David now. You find strewn throughout the book of Psalms his songs of worship to the God he served. And in so many of these Psalms in his crying out, he too seemed to understand God's heart. Even in his sin, after committing adultery with Bathsheba, we find his cries in Psalm 51: "For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
David, remember, is in the old testament. Under old testament law, animal sacrifice was the de facto form of atonement. Yet David is somehow prophetically realizing that it's not about the sacrifice. It's not about the physical ceremony. It's about the heart. David knew this. David knew God. This is maybe why he was counted as a man after God's heart. Not because he was a great king. No. He was a great king because he understood God's heart.
Hannah and David are just two examples that come to mind, who to me, appear to exemplify knowing God, knowing his heart, and understanding Kingdom principles. I am almost certain now that if you study other old testament characters who were highly favoured by God, whether blessed socially, economically and/or spiritually, you will see that they each knew God. They had an understanding of being driven by eternity. They had an understanding of faith. They had an understanding that God's ways were higher than theirs. And with this understanding, they submitted their lives, wills and everything they had to God.
So where do I sit? Where do I invest my time and my energies? Is my faith important to me such that I would invest in knowing and understanding the God that I claim to worship? I sure hope so.
I had recently been quite challenged by Ally's blog posts. In particular, Transformation and Reality. Well worth a read since you've already reached the end of my post for today.
At church today, the speaker made a remark about making a logical choice versus a loving choice.
Actually, at times, a choice could both be logical and loving. But at other times, they can be vastly different.
This could be misconstrued into people justifying poor choices out of "love" (or perhaps infatuation).
On the other hand, decisions made out of an understanding of God's love may occasionally be illogical, yet still a good choice depending on what your perspective on faith is.
So then, are my illogical choices out of "love" or love? It's good to be mindful of this.
So it's been nearly two weeks since returning from Singapore. Adjusting back in terms of culture and what not hasn't been too big of an issue considering that as far as Asian countries go, Singapore is pretty modernized. I mean, it's cleaner than Toronto.
Things are of course different now. New house, and new faces. Heck even Oakville Transit is changed their bus routes last week.
I had been busying myself with unpacking and cleaning my room last week, and should have been working on my work report over the past week. On top of the work report, however, the next few days will also find me busied with gathering whatever provisions I need for returning to Waterloo. I will be moving in this Saturday.
4A is a bit of a surreal feeling in a way. I'm almost done. UW's Daily Bulletin is the default page opening in my email client, and today's top story is of arrival of all the new frosh. The headline photo depicts a mother carrying a box with presumably her son behind her returning to the car to fish out another load. The location of the photo is clearly V1, judging from the reddish-brown bricks with narrow windows visible at the fringe of the photo.
It is a photo of an event that is familiar to nearly every Waterloo student who otherwise lives in southern Ontario. A lot of me can't believe that it had been exactly four years ago since I was in the exact same situation.
And now looking at myself, I am nearing the end of my career at Waterloo. And having completed my exchange to Singapore is even more significant since it was just over four years to the date that I first ever envisioned going away for exchange while sitting at a general engineering info session somewhere inside RCH.
Now it's all over. Those four years of anticipation for the date that I'd fly off to study in a foreign country are now something of the past. The hope and fear of whether or not I'd be able to hold an average to be accepted into the exchange. The question of whether or not I'd be able to be selected given Singapore's popularity. The uncertainty of the application process. Using up a weeks worth of lunch breaks at Raytheon in order to gather all the required approval signatures required for the application. With respect to my application to NUS, the last minute fear of my renunciation of Singapore citizenship. All these were seemingly major steps in my eventual departurIt has been two weeks since I returned from Singapore. Eight months since I arrived in Singapore. One year since I received confirmation of my exchange. Nearly two years since I ran for UWCCF committee. Three years since I first stepped foot into UWCCF. Four years ago since I met my current housemates. Five years ago since I received my acceptance offer into UW. Six years ago since I submitted my OUAC application online to the University of Waterloo, the University of Toronto, and Wilfrid Laurier University. e for Singapore. But perhaps lingering in my mind a bit stronger however, is the actual time that I spent in Singapore. Never at the beginning of my career in Waterloo could I have imagined studying in Singapore, let alone working in Singapore. And yet it all came to pass as I was blessed with such an opportunity. I still remember sitting on the ground after a KEVII IHG volleyball practice suddenly realizing, that I had made it.
So here I am, back in Canada, left currently with primarily photos and Facebook contacts. Perhaps still quite naive about life. Yet probably not as naive as before. Hopefully not cynical.
Waterloo has pretty much been a blur.
A lot of pride has been shaken out of me. And perhaps I'm still trying to piece different thoughts and aspects of my life, both secular and spiritual, together.
It has been two weeks since I returned from Singapore. Eight months since I arrived in Singapore. One year since I received confirmation of my exchange. Nearly two years since I ran for UWCCF committee. Two years since I applied for exchange. Three years since I first stepped foot into UWCCF. Four years ago since I met my current housemates. Four years since I first planned to go on exchange. Five years ago since I received my acceptance offer into UW. Six years ago since I submitted my OUAC application online to the University of Waterloo, the University of Toronto, and Wilfrid Laurier University.
I cannot even begin to imagine how different things would be had I accepted U of T's offer for Engineering Science, as opposed to UW's offer for Systems Design.
And it's strange to see that my sister is about to embark on her own journey soon. OUAC and college applications are always due before the end of the year.
I sometimes feel quite frustrated with myself. Why are things the way they are, or why am I the way I am.
But then when I spared a bit of thought the other day to think what is it exactly about myself or my situation that I am so frustrated about, I honestly drew a blank.
Sure I know I'm not perfect, and I know that life isn't perfect. If I were to have a worry and trouble free life, there are a number of things I would change about my self and my situation. But that's not the point.
The other day at church, the service ended with an altar call for those who felt they needed prayer. And at this, I honestly once again drew a blank about what I felt I would need prayer for.
I've been prayed for and ministered to countless times. I've answered numerous altar calls for prayer. I've even had times of specific personal ministry.
So then why do I remain so frustrated and heavy-hearted?
The more I thought about it, the more silly it seemed. So what I began to feel is that what I was missing was my own choice to walk in freedom. To walk in the freedom that Christ has paid for. Freedom from sin, freedom from condemnation.
People can intercede for me and minister to me. They can speak words of encouragement to me. But at the end of the day, if I do not choose to walk in the freedom that Christ provided and power that comes with the Holy Spirit, then I'll remain the way I am.
If you set a captive free, but they continually tell themselves that they are not free, then their lives will not reflect their true freedom. (Though, I'm not saying that one should live in denial of any issues in their life).
Christ has paid so much and we have benefited so much from entering into a relationship with him. Yet if you do not choose to walk in those benefits, to walk and live in the Spirit, then we are still walking in the flesh.
I always think back to Paul's letter to the Galatians, chapter 3:
O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh? Have you suffered so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain?
Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you, does He do it by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?— just as Abraham “believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.” Therefore know that only those who are of faith are sons of Abraham. And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, preached the gospel to Abraham beforehand, saying, “In you all the nations shall be blessed.” So then those who are of faith are blessed with believing Abraham.
While walking to the MRT station on the way to work the other day, I was listening to In Your Freedom by Hillsong. I've always liked this song for both the music and the lyrics. But somehow it seemed even more true for me at this point in time. There is something about the declaration that the song makes:
I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
No other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heartI have nothing more
Than all You offer me
I have nothing else
That's of worth to meI love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all I want
You're all I needI pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares releasedIn Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion
So I pray that I will be able to truly learn how to better walk in victory and walk in the Spirit. To walk in freedom. To not feel so defeated all the time such that I can be a better agent for the kingdom of heaven.
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